My Lord has made a madwoman out of me
i cannot hold my Ps and Qs in line
the news tries to tell me to take it seriously
and all the earnest faces beckon out their plights
but the Lord has made a madwoman out of me
all the washing is left dripping on the line
and the bread and butter sandwiches
have to make themselves
Alas my Lord has made a madwoman out of me
He gave me all the rulebooks
then tore them from my hands to only read
them all afresh to me
Our Lord has made a madwoman out of me
A craziness settles on these bones
all stacked here on the floor below His Feet
His beauty eats me alive as i gaze at Him
Great Lord has made a madwoman out of me
He flies me out through all the worlds
He pushes me against all experience
and thrashes every desire in His Bright White Light
The Lord has made a madwoman out of me
He rushes me through golden streets
and dashes me against craggy rocks
as tenderiser all beat and pulped to Him
Da Lord makes a madwoman out of me
He dances a million forms of crazy light
right here right now unbidden always
He strokes my stoic face to softened touch
Crazy Lord makes a madwoman out of me
His glinting eyes make murti glass all shards
His every move disciplines my every turn
before Him ecstatic He bends my trembling knees
I have been with my Beloved Guru, Heart-Master Da since May of 1972, one month after He officially opened the Ashram in Los Angeles. Since that time I have sat in Darshan with Him hundreds, if not thousands of times.
As was customary of His sitting with devotees in a large group, He would come in, sit with his legs crossed in a lotus or half lotus position and begin to meditate all of us. Most of the time Beloved did not move, except to sometimes gaze over the crowd of devotees, making occasional eye contact with people, and sometimes, during certain meditations with Him, His Body would often spontaneously animate certain hand mudras.
On one of these occasions at The Mountain of Attention Sanctuary in northern California, I happened to be sitting next to a brand new student beginner, there for her first Darshan event. She was an older lady, and I was thrilled to see her excitement at seeing Beloved for the first time.
When Beloved came in and sat down, the room got extremely quiet as it usually did during our time of sitting with Him. On this particular occasion He began animating hand mudras almost immediately. This was the first time I had seen this happen so quickly. As I sat there with my attention on Him, I noticed something about one of the hand mudras He did and thought to myself, that’s odd I don’t remember Him ever doing that. At which point, the new lady student next to me burst into tears, and was weeping uncontrollably.
I could see and feel she was completely touched by the event of her first Darshan and could not wait to talk to her after the occasion to see how she was doing. When Darshan was over, and Beloved had left the building, I went up to her and asked her what she had experienced, to which she promptly replied: “You probably won’t believe it if I tell you.” Laughing at her response I said, “With our Guru, anything is possible, try me.”
She then told me a story which really did blow my mind. She said that when she was a little girl, she would talk to God constantly, bargaining with Him to reveal Himself to her in life. She said that when she was in her twenties, she made a deal with God that if He lived in the world, He should reveal Himself to her by demonstrating a certain hand gesture that only she and God knew about. She had been a seeker for years and had many teachers, and she always looked for them to display the special hand gesture that would prove themselves to be the Incarnate One, but none of them had proven themselves to be genuine.
This was her first sitting with Beloved, and within the first few minutes of the Darshan, He had demonstrated to her the hand gesture she required for proof of the Incarnation of God, at which point her eyes filled with tears of gratitude once again. She then told me how grateful she was for her first Darshan occasion.
For me, over the years, I have looked to see if Beloved has ever done this one particular hand mudra again, and I have never seen Him repeat it in any Darshan I have personally had with Him.
This leela showed me even more that the story from the Hindu Tradition of Krishna and Radha is really true. In the paintings where the Rasa Leela or Round Dance is taking place, Krishna is shown in the center of a circle of female devotees, dancing with one woman, Radha, the chosen one. The other women who are encircling Krishna are blissfully, and jealously pining to be in the center with him, all wanting to be in Radha’s place.
I realized once again that we are all in the center Dancing with Beloved. He Dances with every one of His Devotees Personally and Intimately according to their particular needs. (In some versions there is also a form of Krishna dancing both with Radha in the center, and also with each of the ladies in the larger circle. Adi Da has described this as a way of rightly understanding the Guru-devotee relationship. That we all dance with Him individually, each one of us.)Just as with this new student on this Amazing Darshan Occasion. It just shows me again how our relationship with the Divine Heart-Master is Absolutely Personal and Perfect for each and every one of us now and forever.
Thank you my Beloved Heart-Master Da
In 2010, the night before my birthday, my husband Carl informed me that we would be going to a birthday lunch at a fancy restaurant with family and friends the next day. We don’t eat out that often and so this was a rare treat and I was excited about it. When I went to sleep that night I had a wonderful dream.
I was in a place that resembled a small theater. On the stage was a long platform built the entire length of the stage, with three very large steps leading up to it. Beloved was sitting in His Chair at the top of this platform, and I was sitting at the bottom on the floor below the last step.
There was a sheer black curtain stretched the entire length of the stage between myself and Beloved. The curtain stopped at the top edge of the platform above, so that the stairs were free of the curtain down to where I was sitting. Beloved was sitting facing out to my right side, so all I could see of Him was His profile and the right side of His Body.
It felt as if there were thousands of beings who were behind this sheer curtain with Him, and it felt as if the space behind Him, was Bigger and more Vast than the Universe itself, but not empty, it seemed crowded there in fact.
Beloved appeared very Bright in His Chair, but everything behind Him was black and I couldn’t see anything beyond Him. He was literally outshining everything behind this sheer black curtain and nothing else behind Him was visible although I could sense and feel beings, I could not see them, no matter how hard I tried.
I could sense and feel that He was having an intense non-verbal conversation with them on the other side of this sheer black curtain, and although I kept trying, I just couldn’t penetrate this sheer curtain to see into the blackness beyond, only Beloved remained visible.
I could feel He was addressing everyone on the other side about their practice, as He did with devotees when He was alive, and could feel Him intensifying my own practice as I sat there, even though I could not hear what He was saying nor see those he was communicating to, his communication to me was very clear.
When I got the message, all of a sudden Beloved stopped His address to those on the other side and turned His Head to His right to see me sitting there at the bottom of the platform steps. He got up as if He had been waiting for me, walked to the back of His Chair, grabbed a bucket of water that was just to His right side, came out from behind the sheer black curtain, took one step down the platform steps and dumped the entire bucket of water on my head, saying: “Now you can go to lunch with Carl”.
He then walked back behind the sheer black curtain, behind His Chair, sat down and once again began addressing those on the other side non-verbally.
When I woke up after the dream I felt completely Blessed, realizing I had received the most Wonderful and Personal Darshan Birthday present .
I also realized that the black sheer curtain I had tried so hard to look beyond was in Reality “The Veil of Death.” That is why no matter how hard I tried, I could not penetrate it to view what was on the other side. Only my Beloved Guru could cross into both worlds with the ease and simplicity of pulling back a curtain. Thank You Heart-Master Da
It says in the spiritual Traditions that the Grace of the Guru not only extends to His Devotees, but also extends to the family members of His devotees as well. And that lesson became ever so clear in the case of my mother’s passing.
I was never brought up in a very strict religion, although I was brought up as a Catholic. But, over the adult years of my life I became more interested in the process of life and what it was all about, and I became more of a seeker in finding Truth and Reality, because conventional religion seemed shallow and superficial to me.
At one particular point in my search I did realize that I needed help, I realized that I needed a Spiritual Teacher, and I knew that I was not going to go to India to find one.
In 1983 in one of my periods of intense seeking, I stumbled on a spiritual book store in San Rafael California. In the front window of the book store was an enlarged poster sized photo of Beloved Adi Da. And as I looked at the photo, I was thinking to myself, He looks about the same age as me, so what the hell does He have that I don’t have, in somewhat of an angry cynical manner. This only added to my frustration.
I entered the bookstore and bought a book that was recommended to me to read. At that particular period I was very frustrated and cynical in general in my quest for understanding of what life was about. So I bought the book that was recommended to me, took it home, read half way through it, put it down and felt that it didn’t satisfy my need for answers.
I went back to the book store, browsed around a bit, and saw that on a table there were several books, featuring “The Knee of Listening”. I picked up the book and began to browse through it, going to a section in the back of the book called “The Wisdom of Understanding.” I read maybe two pages and realized that my search was OVER. In just those two pages my questions were answered. I bought the book, took it home and read it, and realized at that time I had found my Spiritual Teacher. Shortly after that I became a devotee of Beloved Adi Da.
And as a new student beginner of His work, there were study courses in the Traditions, and I became more familiar with all of the Wisdom Teachings of both Eastern and Western philosophy. And so throughout the years I would have conversations with my mother regarding the Spiritual Traditions and these different points of view. As my understanding grew, I would convey my understanding to her. Although my mother was somewhat skeptical she listened.
As I grew in my understanding of the difference between the Great Tradition and Beloved’s Teaching, I would also convey this to her, and at one point she began to see and feel the difference, and was somewhat more open in her understanding. Yet still not completely converted.
In 1993, my mother took a turn for the worst after a stroke she suffered two years earlier. My wife and I were by her bedside in the hospital a couple of days before her passing. She would lapse between a semi-conscious and unconscious state, never seeming to fully regain conscious awareness. It was in a moment of being in the semi-conscious state that she, out of the blue, spoke up and said: “Take me to Fiji, Take me to Fiji, He loves us, He loves us. He’s with us all the time.” At that point my wife and I looked at each other with an Absolute look of Astonishment on both our faces and wondered where did that come from. I spent the rest of my time with her until her passing a couple of days later, all the while feeling my Guru’s Presence very strongly, I know He entered the room and was sitting with me.
It wasn’t until some time later, when we were invited to a celebratory occasion with Beloved that the significance of that moment became clarified. Somehow the conversation came up relative to my father. One of the devotees mentioned to Beloved that my father rode with Pancho Villa. Wherein Beloved asked, “What about your father Carl.” I told Him he was a very simple hard working man, and He responded, “Like you Carl.” To which I responded “yes, Lord.” And then again out of nowhere Beloved said: “About your mother Carl, I was with her when she passed.” At that point my heart was completely broken and sobbing I said “Yes, I know You were Lord.”
What I realized was that out of all the conversations I ever had with my mother with regards to religion, she had listened to the point of being able to receive the Gift of Love and Compassion at the end of her life. Beloved’s Grace and Compassion had taken care of her on her death bed, and completely consumed her. Her death seemed to be an easy transition, for which I was completely grateful.
I bow down at the Feet of my Beloved Master Adi Da, who’s Loving Grace fills our hearts with Love.
On day at The Mountain of Attention Sanctuary Beloved called some of us over to His house for a gathering. And I was fortunate to have been invited.
As always whenever you would be invited to the Master’s house for a gathering your heart would race with anticipation and you would be exploding with excitement as to the nature of how the rest of your day would unfold in His Divine Human Company, and of course you were always ecstatic to be going.
And whenever you were invited, you could never be fashionably late. Beloved always expected you to just simply drop whatever you were doing and rush over. But if in the course of doing so, you ended up being improperly dressed you would always hear about it.
So you could never linger in the self indulgence of putting on a little extra make up, or taking extra time in choosing your wardrobe, because if you were late you would hear about it. He would often Bellow out: “Where’s Mulund, or Where’s Aniello?” And you had better be right outside the door waiting to come in, because if He had to send an attendant for you, you would get a consequence, like chugging a beer at the beginning of the gathering or serving other devotees throughout that day’s gathering. Consequences we all tried to avoid.
And so, the bottom line rule of gathering with Him was to simply drop everything, handle all of your worldly business so that He could have your entire attention without distraction, and rush over looking impeccable for the day’s gathering. And more often than not you only had fifteen minutes to a half an hour in which to do all of this. It was a koan we all accepted, and it was always a sadhana, always stressful, and if you were late you’d better have a good excuse.
And there were very few excuses He would accept. You had to make sure any children would be cared for of in terms of babysitting requirements while you were at the gathering and handle any important Ashram business that couldn’t be put on hold. That’s basically it.
At this particular gathering, I had to handle more business than usual and ended up being one of the last people in the door. Beloved would sit on His chair and face us, while we would sit on the floor facing Him, leaving a walking isle down the middle of the room which led to His Chair. Because I had taken so long to wrap things up, and was one of the last people to arrive, I had to take a seat more or less in the back row on the right. But I scored a seat on the aisle and there was no one sitting to my left, and so I ended up getting an unobstructed view of Beloved.
The gathering went on for a couple of hours, after which Beloved called for a break, and so He got up, walked down the center of the aisle and left the room. I didn’t really need to get up at that point and so simply sat there and watched every one else file out of the room behind Him, except for one other devotee to my right who decided to stay in the room as I did.
As I sat there I noticed that down the center of the aisle not to far from Beloved’s chair toward the front of the room, there was a tall glass of water sitting so close to the center of the aisle, that I couldn’t help but think to myself, “the next person who comes back in the room is going to knock that glass of water over and it’s going to spill on carpet.” I was absolutely sure that this was the scenario that was going to take place with this glass of water, without a doubt. I knew this would happen.
My intuition was so strong, that it was like a cramp in my navel, but I did nothing about it. I continued to sit there, with this knowledge gnawing in the pit of my stomach and at the heart region in my chest. It was so overwhelming it became totally annoying and now had captured my full attention. But instead of acting on it, I debated with myself, as to whether I should remove the glass of water or not. I was now going back and forth in my own mind, justifying my feelings by thinking that it was only a strong feeling and didn’t deserve my attention. All the while sitting with this feeling in the pit of my stomach and at the heart region in my chest, gnawing at me like a mouse gnawing on a piece of cheese and wondering if I should get up and remove the water.
At one point I was so sure it was going to happen that I turned to the devotee who was sitting next to me, as we were the only ones in the room at that point and I mentioned the glass of water and how I was sure someone would knock it over. But this person didn’t feel the way I did and so dismissed it and told me not to worry about it, to once again focus my attention on the Master and let it go. But this only fueled my drama further. Now I was truly torn, between simply getting up or sitting still, going back and forth trying to dismiss the feelings I was having. But this glass of water had completely captured my total attention.
About ten minutes went by, and as I was going through this internal drama with this glass of water it began to seem totally ridiculous to me that this glass of water was the only thing I was thinking about and had been for the last ten minutes. My mind simply went back and forth as to whether I should or shouldn’t remove it from its place on the carpet. And so, after all of the drama I made the decision to just leave it where it was.
When I had finally made the decision to do nothing, then a devotee who was sitting near the glass of water headed back to his seat and in doing so accidentally knocked over the glass of water that I had been meditating on for the past ten minutes. It had now spilled on the carpet just as I had been predicting.
By then, Beloved, had re-entered the room and was now watching the entire drama unfold in the way of someone mopping up the water. I of course felt bad, as I could have prevented the accident entirely, but I chose to do nothing. It was at that point that Beloved on His way back to His chair stopped right in front of me and stood in the center aisle looking down at me.
As I looked into His beautiful face, He bent down and slightly cuffed me on the left cheek with his open hand and said: “I have been telling you to move that glass of water for the last ten minutes. Why haven’t you been listening to Me.” And then He sat back in His chair and the gathering continued.
Needless to say I was totally blown away, as was the person sitting on my right who I mentioned the feeling to. By lighting tapping my cheek I realized that He had totally absolved any guilt karma I had created with the water glass and taught me a lesson on how to listen a little deeper.
Thank you Beloved for this Gift.
I’ve been a student of my Beloved Guru Adi Da for over 37 years as I am writing this story.
I wish to relate to you the following true story relative to Heart-Master Adi Da’s Divine Love and Compassion, which truly Transcends time and space.
I was at a gathering with Heart-Master Adi Da, where He was giving a discourse to a number of students, speaking to us about our disciplines and daily spiritual practices.
I was sitting not too far from my Beloved Guru among about 25 or 30 other students and there was a brief break in the conversation. Someone mentioned to Heart-Master Da that a famous person had died that day and He asked how it happened. To make a long story short the conversation drifted from the intensity to which we should be practicing to how some famous people in the past had died.
We began amusingly swapping terrible death stories. My Beloved Guru then mentioned hearing how Mamma Cass had died. He said He had heard that she choked to death in a restaurant eating a ham sandwich. He then said, “Of course when she died, they didn’t have the Heimlich Maneuver back in those days, as they did today”. It was at that point He looked directly at me. I thought it rather odd that He would single me out of a crowd of so many people, but dismissed it almost immediately. (The Heimlich Maneuver has been a proven life-saving method for people who are choking.)
As the evening wore on, my attention was sort of drifting and I was getting sleepy when the conversation again came around to death and how some people die by choking. Again my Beloved Guru turned in my direction, looked directly in my eyes and said, “You do know what the Heimlich Maneuver is don’t you.” I turned around to see if He was looking at the person behind me. And He yelled out, “That’s right, I’m looking at you.”
Surprised by His direct attention, and unmistakable address, I answered “Yes I do.” I thought to myself, perhaps He could feel me getting sleepy again and wanted me to be more alert for the conversation by addressing me personally.
Then He simply went on with the conversation and did not address me further the rest of the evening. As I sat there I didn’t think anything more of it, except to notice that my attention was once again restored and I was fully awake till the end of the evening. I felt He was just trying to help me stay awake.
A few days later we were in another discourse again with many other students present. This time I was sitting right in front of my Guru, and again the conversation came around to death by way of suffocation. Heart-Master Da mentioned to us that He was almost strangled at birth, by the umbilical cord which was wrapped around His neck.
Once again, in the midst of a crowd of students, He then turned to me and asked me directly, looking deep into my eyes, if I knew how to do the Heimlich Maneuver.
Naturally I thought, this was a test to see if I was paying attention, and thinking proudly to myself that I had passed the test, I answered loudly “yes.”
About a week later a few of us were on the lawn surrounding Heart-Master Da. It was a beautiful but warm day, and someone was showing Him some new plants that had arrived for the garden area. Heart-Master Da mentioned something about the weeds choking out some of the plants in the garden, and again the conversation turned to the subject of death by choking.
I was standing next to Him, when He said, “Well there is the Heimlich Maneuver. Do you all know what that is and how to apply it?” Before we could even answer, suddenly my Beloved Guru stands behind me and puts His arms around me and places His fists in a position underneath my rib-cage and demonstrates exactly how to do the Heimlich Maneuver.
At first I thought this rather odd, but dismissed it as just a coincidence that I just happened to be one of the people standing next to Him, and I felt honored that I could be the subject of His demonstration. But then I thought no more about the incident.
A few days later, two other ladies and I were in the kitchen cooking lunch for the resident children. It was a hot day and we had already placed the silverware, napkins, condiments and ice water on the table.
Because we were busy attending to matters in the kitchen none of us were paying much attention to one of the children who came in ahead of the others and sat down to sample some of the items on the lunch table.
All of a sudden I heard a strange sound coming from the dining room table. It was some kind of unusual gurgling noise. I turn to see what was happening and to my horror I saw my daughter and she appeared to be in great distress. She was holding her hands to her throat, trying to say something, but no words were coming out. Tears were streaming out of her eyes and there was a look of terror on her face.
Instantly I realized that she was choking on something.
While everyone else was frozen in fear, within a heart beat, I immediately flew into action. I wheeled her around, placed my hands under her rib cage just as My Beloved Guru had done with me on the lawn a few days earlier and began to engage the Heimlich Maneuver. Within a few strokes of pressure, out popped an ice cube, which literally flew across the room.
When it was all over I simply sat in awe with my daughter folded in my arms weeping and thanking my Beloved Heart-Master Adi Da for His Incredible Blessing Gift of her life.
It was an Extraordinary Lesson, one of Great Love and Great Compassion. And a demonstration of That One who utterly Transcends time and space, and all egoity.
I have thought over and over again what might have happened had my lesson not been so personal. Or had He not driven that lesson into my very body that day on the lawn. I should have known that His Divine Attention to me or any one else personally is never a casual matter.
It is very unusual for my Guru to physically touch His students. Our life with Him is very formal. And the events leading up to this Remarkable Blessing have truly opened my eyes to the Power and Mystery of my Beloved Guru, Heart-Master Adi Da Samraj, who constantly shows me His Divine Nature is that of One Who always already Transcends Everything.
I am so very Grateful for the Bodily Human Form of my Beloved Heart-Master Adi Da Samara and His Divine Intervention in my life and the life of my daughter.
Thank You my Beloved Heart-Master Adi Da Samaraj.
On a more practical note, never let small children eat ice.
Website host comment: I am very grateful to Hellie for telling this story, “Separtion Anxiety”. Here it is some 40 years since this Leela occurred and I am only now hearing the details of it. It allows me to feel so fully the great courage and compassion of Adi Da to serve His devotees so completely. And to see the devotion of Hellie in this leela then, and her devotion now to allow us to hear the full and unedited version of the story. This account reminds me of a modern day version of the Milarepa story of the “probation and penance” whereby he is tested by his Guru Marpa down to the core fibers of his being. At times, Marpa has to turn away so that Milarepa does not see the tears in his eyes, as he requires Milarepa to go through another ordeal of purification. In 2016, Hellie, and hers and Beloved’s daughter Io, remain shining examples of Adi Da’s Blessing and Grace in this world.
Hellie: My Beloved Heart-Master, to the conventional mind, was often “cruel” in His Divine Lessons. But in Reality relative to His Divine Play, one could never understand with the mind alone what He was up to. His Divine Lessons were always a complete body learning experience that took place at every level of conscious existence.
His Lessons are always physically, emotionally, mentally, psychically, spiritually, and Cosmically learned by the whole body-mind, whether you wanted it or not. In fact you would pretty much never know why the lesson took place until the end of the purification process itself, when only then things would become clear. My story is just such a Divine Lesson.
Life in His Company was truly Magical every day. The undoing of time and space as we perceive it was a common occurrence in the midst of the demand for your total surrender. Beloved always demonstrated, simply by living in this world, His Divine Nature in the form of Magical Powers which were witnessed by all of his devotees in one form or another. This Revelation over the years is one of the reasons I have no doubt that He is the Divine Incarnate, and this Lesson will be part of that Revelation. This Lesson will reveal that we absolutely exist as more than just this gross solid body.
First and foremost, His lessons are about staying with Him throughout the Ordeal, by living in Satsang or the Company of the Guru. And if you manage to do that with all the internal turmoil that comes up in consciousness during the purification process itself, then understanding will eventually be your Reward. But your whole body-mind will have to be Transformed in the Process. That is always part of the Ordeal.
During the Teaching years with my Divine Heart-Master Da, I was fortunate to live with Him in such a way that for a period of several years I was not only one of His devotees, but also one of His human intimates. A Lesson in Itself with unique disciplines.
Being close to my Beloved Guru in this way was Wonderful but also Extremely Stressful to the ego. How stressful is it to live with a Being, who constantly demonstrates His Utter Transcendence of this world, by quite literally reading your inner most thoughts and dealing with your deep seeded fears at every given moment?
Beloved Always Demonstrated such Divine Powers to all of us throughout His Human Life. And for those of us living with him closely, it became a common daily occurrence in one form or another. So often He would Reveal to all of us that He could literally read your mind. And every time we were blown away. But this was just one of the Revelation Siddhis He would demonstrate, and it was not even the tip of the iceberg compared to the rest of His Revelatory Gifts.
It was like living on a razors edge, falling one way or another could slice you in half, while balancing on the edge of the razor was both Liberating and Terrifying. Life with Him was totally Exciting. This was the nature of my relationship to living with the Divine Human Guru. It was an Absolute Demand for practice where you were required to surrender and transcend yourself. And if you waiver from that surrender, or your practice starts slipping in the slightest, of course He would notice it.
I never wanted children. I never wanted to go through the pain of childbirth or ever felt I had the temperament to even handle children. I never liked to babysit when I was young and so didn’t do it as often as most young girls would do to earn money. I was always too selfish and could see no advantage in having children. Our daughter was a Divine Intervention baby, a so-called accidental pregnancy that caught me totally off guard. Of course now I know better than to assume anything in my Guru’s company is accidental. It’s all part of the Divine Plan for self-transcendence, which is the name of the game around the True Divine Spiritual Master.
When our daughter was born, it was a difficult birth. She was born at home with two doctors and a nurse in attendance. The doctors suspected that she was late and so induced the birth, which ended up being forty-four hours of hard labor on my part. Aside from the drug pitocin, the birth was completely natural. (So much for my not wanting to have a child, and so much for not having to endure the pain of childbirth. I should have known then that this was just the first hint of what was to come.)
One of the first things I noticed after her birth was that there was not only a physical separation, but somehow another kind of separation had occurred. The thoughts and feelings I was experiencing while she was in the womb were no longer there. It was as if my thoughts and her thoughts were mingled until birth. I thought this was a rather an odd thing to observe at the time and wondered if every new mother had experienced as much at birth. And then I was caught up in the arrival itself.
Our daughter was so tiny and so beautiful I could hardly believe it, and I fell so in love with her that it felt unnatural or even impossible to fall in love so completely with another human being. An attachment that seemed to grow overnight and my feelings of love were so totally overwhelming it took me completely by surprise.
I should have known then that like everything in the Guru’s Divine Human Company, I was due for a Lesson with regard to the kind of attachment to another human being that gets you reborn. An attachment so strong and overwhelming nothing else seemed to exist.
But, unlike many mothers, I had the benefit of my Guru to help break the spell of the attachment and bonding that is automatically created between mother and child when an actual piece of your body gets incarnated into this world. I had forgotten that the self-transcending love I had for my Beloved Master is what brought her into this world in the first place. I absolutely knew that I would never have given birth to another human being apart from my love of Beloved’s Human Incarnation. I would have never sacrificed myself in this way ever.
The parent-child bond is usually more naturally broken as the child gets older, but that takes years, and when living in the company of the Divine Human Guru your life lessons come at the speed of light. Mine was no exception.
After four months of completely bonding with this little being and falling so hopelessly in love with this tiny little creature, I almost totally forgot that I even had a Guru. All I wanted to do was spend time with our daughter, play with her and be with her. Just like any new parent. But my Guru would have no part of it, and when He felt my attention wandering from my spiritual practice, that’s when my lesson began.
His greatest discipline of those physically close to Him has always has been the threat and deed of separation from His physical company. A discipline we absolutely all hated. He would always say when our practice would falter that we needed “The Great Straightener” (the world) again to get us back on track, until we could once again return to our practice with a greater strength.
And so, true to Form, when our daughter was four months old, and while I was still nursing He sent me away to live in a girls Nunnery in San Francisco. This was a place that took in single girls until they were able to support themselves again. (Before I came to Beloved, I had a Catholic upbringing, and so I was always struggling with whether to be a whore or a nun, which was why this place of discipline seemed truly ironic to me at the time.) But off I went, bags in hand, tears in my eyes and totally worried as to the fate of our daughter. I was soon to find out this was no ordinary Divine Lesson. This is a Lesson that would undue the karmas below consciousness and at every level of the being.
Needless to say I was completely distraught. I was separated from everything that I held dear, my Guru, my child, family, friends, everything. I was totally an emotional wreck, and physically uncomfortable as I was producing milk that I would never use and so my body was going through some physical pain. But nothing compared to the pain in my heart at the separation from my child. This was unbearable and totally overwhelming.
I never felt so alone or so completely emotionally distraught as when I got my room at the Nunnery. It was a tiny room totally bare and utterly drab. There was a crucifix over my small single bed and a dresser. Other than that, nothing else was in the room.
There was a bathroom down the hall, used by other girls who lived there and it was run by nuns, who although were sympathetic, really had no idea what a horrific Ordeal I was going through on absolutely all levels.
I knew that I had to be straight as an arrow and not dramatize my predicament if I ever wanted to be back with my Beloved Guru again. But I knew in my heart that the price I had to pay for my wandering of attention was that I had to practice and be absolutely straight, in spite of everything I was going through internally. I tried to focus on the notes I got from Beloved and concentrate on the things I needed to do to get back in His Good Graces again.
His notes were very specific. He told me that I should get a job and not have any contact with any members of the community in San Francisco. He virtually cut off all my access to anyone who would support me or sympathize with me in any way whatsoever. I felt this was unimaginably cruel. It just seemed so unnecessary and such a heartless discipline to be shunned in such a manner. I felt totally betrayed, not really understanding why I was in this particular circumstance. All I did was love our child. I was completely clueless, but for the sake of my Spiritual Life I knew I had to comply, whether I liked it or not. After all this was not the first lesson He had given me that seemed completely heartless. I knew I had no choice, I would have to do what He required me to do if I wanted to get out of this situation. First rule is “Guru say, devotee do”.
I began my morning routine of meditation, which I had been neglecting for many months, and which that morning was basically me weeping through the entire meditation, and I think every meditation from then on. Even so I strictly adhered to all the disciplines. It was the only tangible thing I had from my Guru that I could hang on to, and it seemed that it was the only way to connect to Him. And so, according to His basic Teaching, I adhered to the simple disciplines of right diet, study, exercise and meditation. And after fulfilling them on the first day of my exile, the next day I was off to find a job. All the while my breasts were filling up with milk and bursting with pain. But I was determined to cut through all obstacles regardless of what came up either physically, emotionally or mentally. An inner drive took over.
Our daughter was all I could think about throughout the day. I wondered if she were okay and who was taking care of her, if she was getting the care she needed, the milk she needed, and on and on and on, torturing myself at every opportunity, including visualizing the most awful scenarios relative to her care. What if this happened and what if that happened, and I would not be there and bla bla bla. At the time I didn’t realize that I was working myself over, but later realized that I was my own worst enemy regarding the mind forms that would arise, but it seemed I couldn’t help what was coming up in my consciousness, which were not thoughts of my Guru but waves of bad thoughts and constant worry. These were the demons that were coming up in this purification process and regardless it was totally overwhelming.
My best friend had a daughter a couple of months after I did and we would nurse each other’s children, so I knew she was probably nursing both of our children in my absence. But knowing all of this didn’t help. Knowing this didn’t stop the emotions and turmoil I was feeling inside or stop any other demons and fears I was dealing with on an internal level. I knew at heart our daughter was receiving the best of care, but it didn’t help. I had been sent to emotional Hell. It was like my child had suddenly died, had been ripped from my arms. It felt as though my heart were breaking beyond repair, and that I was literally dying as well.
I cannot begin to describe my horrific and desperate emotional state during this time. I simply tried to do physically and strictly what Beloved told me to do to get straight again, and stick with it. It was on a Friday when I secured a job. The first day of my search, Gracefully, and I would start working on the following Monday. (The first place I went to hired me. What are the odds of that?)
I knew that I could not be idle while going through this tremendous whole bodily purification Ordeal and knew that if I had nothing to do on the weekend, except be stuck with my own mind, I would truly go mad. And so I adopted another discipline basic to the Teaching, and that is one of service. I looked in the paper and found a baby sitting job so that I could be occupied with in the evenings on the weekend. It turned out to be a block away from the Nunnery where I was living. (What are the odds of that?)
As I look back on my Ordeal, everything worked out for me Gracefully. It seemed as though the Universe were cooperating with Beloved’s Divine Lesson for my Spiritual Transformation. I had no means of transportation other than public transportation. But even the bus I took to work stopped right in front of the Nunnery, and let me off right in front of my job. (Again, in the scheme of things, what are the odds of that?) And this baby sitting job was no exception.
The two children I sat for were truly a God Sent, and I was grateful to do it. The little girl was only four months old, our daughter’s age. And being with the children took my mind off my troubles. Especially since the woman was in such need relative to having someone she could trust be with her two children while she worked. Feeling needed in my service felt like a Blessing. I could feel that in spite of everything Beloved was not letting me become a black hole in the universe, not yet anyway. He was Gracefully helping me to serve my fellow man, at least that’s how it felt at the time.
And when I wasn’t serving, basically I felt as if I were dying on every level of my being. Every day was a struggle just to survive the emotional turmoil that kept arising in me. Every moment was a moment in which to demonstrate the self-transcending practice of non-dramatization, and non-reactivity, which is at the core of my Guru’s Teaching for all His devotees. And every day I would have to cut through the brutal physical pain of producing milk that was not being used.
I threw myself into work and kept to myself in the Nunnery. How could I possibly describe the inner turmoil I was going through to anybody. And if I did, they would think me crazy for leaving my child at all. And how could I defend my actions when I myself thought it was one of the cruelest Lessons ever and my faith was shaken to the core . And so I kept quiet and endured my pain, trying desperately to transcend myself, which was a moment to moment discipline at that point. I felt I had no choice, I must continue to practice in spite of everything and I could only pray for relief.
The days turned into weeks and it looked outwardly that I was a model devotee. I had been practicing with such intensity every discipline to the letter of the Law for a few weeks, but I noticed that nothing was changing except my physical appearance.
I lost weight and began to become strong physically and my body was being toned through all of the physical exercise I did every day. But I was still in the Nunnery, without a word from my Beloved Guru, and it felt as if I were being pushed over the edge of a cliff and I didn’t care if I were going over or not. By then my fight for self-transcendence was waning and I fell into a deep depression. And so at that point I simply gave up completely. It’s like being close to death to the point where you don’t care anymore. There is a certain freedom in it.
My heart was so broken and so heavy with such great despair. I felt totally abandoned by my Master, feeling sure He never wanted to see me again and feeling totally unloved and unlovable. The slow death I was experiencing on every level became Totally and Utterly Intolerable. Although my practice externally looked and seemed like perfection in terms of my disciplines, nothing internally was changing. In fact it was getting worse. “How could this be?” I wondered. Things should be looking up, but they only seemed to be getting worse.
My depression and despair over my situation became so bad that suicide began to look like a relief. In all my life I have never been a depressed type of person and could never understand how anyone could fall into such a place of despair that they would even consider taking their own life, and yet I was now in it. And on this day I literally could take no more. I was heading over the emotional cliff for real.
The depth of my despair and sorrow was utterly and totally Complete at every level of the being, and it seemed that there was nothing I could do about it. Even surrender seemed totally impossible. All of my prayers remained neurotic and unanswered. All of my silent conversations with my Guru went unheard, and so with a heavy heart and, exhausted from pain on every level, I finally went to sleep.
Over the years, relative to my personal relationship to my Beloved Guru, much karma is worked out in the dream state. I get the most amazing lessons in my sleep and this night would be one of them. I went to bed thinking this would be the same as any other night in Hell, it was not. I had a wonderful dream. It was not just a dream but in every sense of the word felt totally real. In the dream I was standing by my daughter’s crib. I bent down and scooped her up in my arms, holding her close to me and looking into her wonderful face. She was sleeping peacefully, and when I was satisfied that she was well cared for and happy on all levels, I gently laid her back in her crib and woke up.
When I woke up it was exactly three o’clock in the morning, but I knew I had actually been there, to hold her and see her. Beloved had literally taken me there for a visit.
As I opened my eyes, which were full of tears of gratitude, this tiny Nunnery room with all of its plainness and simplicity took on a Divinely Palatial Quality, an Other Worldly Quality that was so tangible I could see it raining down in the form of molecules of light pervading the very space of the room itself. The room became so Filled with my Beloved Heart-Master’s Divine Presence that it hovered in the air like a thick fog. I could see it and feel it. He Filled every aspect of this tiny room with His Grace and also filled my Heart..
The entire space became Bright with His Divine Siddhi and His Love which was Completely Bathing every aspect of my being, as well as everything in the room. I could see His Light raining down Infusing the air, as well as feel Him Healing every aspect of my body, mind and psyche. His Arms were literally wrapped around me in the form of this Divine Light Rain falling down and flowing through me, washing everything, inside and out. It was an Extraordinary Event.
I spontaneously went into this Blissful meditation, wherein we became One, without separation. A place of Oneness, beyond the body and mind. My meditation lasted exactly two hours which were totally Blissful. And when it was over, which was just in time for my morning routine to begin, (Again, what are the odds of that?) I simply got up, did my disciplines and went to work. But this day was completely different. I felt Totally Healed. Everything had changed, both inside and outside.
The feeling of being abandoned and unloved by my Guru completely left me. Where I was clueless before as to why the Master had sent me away, everything became suddenly clear. I totally understood the need for the physical separation, and why it was so necessary to have it be that way in my case. Indeed I understood that it could be no other way for the purification to take place in me successfully. This had simply been an intense Retreat. I could once again feel the Incredible Love from my Heart-Master and internally sang His Praises to myself at His Absolute Genius for accomplishing my purifying Transformation. I realized that He had actually heard my prayers no matter how neurotic they were.
I Realized He was hearing me all along and that He was not separate from my Ordeal, but suffering it with me, making it as easy on me as possible so that I could endure it, while all the while showing Himself to me in the form of these little psycho-physical events like the bus and babysitting and other tidbits too numerous to mention.
Looking back upon the weeks of suffering there were many many signs of Him taking absolute care of me throughout the Ordeal, but I couldn’t notice it at the time. In the midst of the purification given by the Guru, one only feels the self-contraction. And I had only been looking in the mirror, never up.
I came to Realize that He was going through the process with me at every level. All the pain I was feeling was also magnified in His own body. He could take my suffering no more and so contacted me through this Extraordinary experience of Him Cosmically visiting me in my tiny room and taking me for a trip to see our daughter. He had shown me that there is no separation from Him in Truth.
I also noticed that I felt a freedom in relationship relative to our daughter that was not there before. He had purified the negative motherly attachment that took place during the actual birthing process. It was almost as if I had given birth twice, one physically and one spiritually. And my lesson was to let go of both. But in order to do that I had to endure the cutting of the umbilical cord on all levels. The more I felt into this newly found freedom, the more bright I became. I realized that when I had given birth physically, in every other way emotionally, mentally, psychically, spiritually and Cosmically I was still hanging on to my attachment to our child. I awakened to the understanding that she belongs to God, as we all do.
Everything in this world dies, and so we are merely in every sense caretakers for the Divine.
I Realized that sometimes our children pass before we do, and so we must let them go with faith and love, trust and surrender, into the Divine Process, the Great Process in which we are merely participants and which requires our absolute surrender as well, no matter the circumstances. I was completely Grateful for this Lesson and I was truly rested in a place of Freedom beyond all concerns at every level.
I Realized Beloved would go to any lengths necessary for the sake of His devotee’s freedom, including cutting Himself off physically from the one He Loved, which was myself. And most important I absolutely knew that He was aware of my Transformation, and I now knew that it was only a matter of time till He contacted me to find out how I was doing.
And true to Form, at the end of the day, when I got back to the Nunnery, there was a message from Elizabeth, that Beloved wanted to see me. I was ecstatic but not surprised. I knew that He knew what was going on with me, without a word between us apart from the Extraordinary Gift He had bestowed upon me earlier that day. There were no notes, no phone calls, nothing at the ordinary level that would indicate His knowledge of my state. And I also knew He knew it was all good, and it was only a matter of time before I would be going home. My relationship to Him was restored. I had re-connected.
As I look back over the event, I’m sure that my fulfillment of the basic disciplines had helped, but even that was His Grace.
As I waited for Elizabeth to arrive I became more and more ecstatic. I couldn’t wait to see my Guru, to thank Him for my extraordinary dream and the Ordeal of my transformation, which through my physical ordeal created an internal change in consciousness in my case. My love for my Guru had to be restored to a place of rightness before I could once again live in His Company. It’s true, I was stronger and straighter than I had been in a long time.
When Elizabeth arrived we were sitting in the car on the way up to the Sanctuary. I was so at One with my Beloved and my heart so Healed by the night’s events that it didn’t matter whether I was going home or not. The minute I got in the car I told her my extraordinary wonderful dream, after which she then told me that Beloved had sent her down to pick me up before she could relate the following story to Him before she left.
She told me she was sleeping in my daughter’s room when she awoke suddenly in the early morning hours at exactly three o’clock. She said she sat up in bed and saw me standing in the room by my daughter’s crib. She saw that my body appeared to be not quite solidified in terms of a fleshy object, but yet I was absolutely and totally visible as a human form. She said that I reached down and scooped the baby up in my arms, looked at her for a moment and put her gently back in the crib and then just slowly faded from sight. At the end of the event, she said that the room Filled with Beloved’s Presence and she went into a spontaneous meditation for exactly two hours.
As soon as she finished talking I told her more of my Extraordinary experience and of the Divine Healing I had received in the form of a dream of the exact same event. We then began to feel Beloved’s Divine Presence pervading the car infusing everything and all of us including the driver, and we were all reduced to a meditative silence for the rest of the trip.
By now my humor was totally restored and I knew in my heart it was just a matter of time before I would be going home. And at this point it truly didn’t matter. I knew He would transcend space and time to find me no matter what condition I was in.
When we got to the Sanctuary, Beloved was gathering with a group of devotees. I saw our daughter and got to hold her and realized that all of my concerns were absolutely foolish. As long as she was in Beloved’s arms there would be no reason for any concern. Everything was restored, my faith, my trust in my Beloved Heart-Master, all was right with the world again, because I was right with Him.
And so true to Form, He played with me right up until the end of my visit. He refused to see me and sent me back to the Nunnery without even a glimpse of His Divine Bodily Human Form. But I was in such a happy state I recognized the test and kept my humor. Now I could see His Play with me as just that, Divine Play.
Although the Lesson I received, seems Extreme on the surface, harsh and cruel to the conventional mind, there are no words to express my Gratitude for this Ordeal. It was an Ordeal, but one of Transformation, a Lesson of letting go on so many levels, and yet ultimately it was a lesson of Love. To be truly Free is to be Love.
I am so Blessed to have lived in the Human Company of my Beloved Heart-Master, who has only shown this Love to All. I bow at His Feet.
Thank you my Beloved Da for all of your Divine Gifts.