My Lord has made a madwoman out of me
i cannot hold my Ps and Qs in line
the news tries to tell me to take it seriously
and all the earnest faces beckon out their plights
but the Lord has made a madwoman out of me
all the washing is left dripping on the line
and the bread and butter sandwiches
have to make themselves
Alas my Lord has made a madwoman out of me
He gave me all the rulebooks
then tore them from my hands to only read
them all afresh to me
Our Lord has made a madwoman out of me
A craziness settles on these bones
all stacked here on the floor below His Feet
His beauty eats me alive as i gaze at Him
Great Lord has made a madwoman out of me
He flies me out through all the worlds
He pushes me against all experience
and thrashes every desire in His Bright White Light
The Lord has made a madwoman out of me
He rushes me through golden streets
and dashes me against craggy rocks
as tenderiser all beat and pulped to Him
Da Lord makes a madwoman out of me
He dances a million forms of crazy light
right here right now unbidden always
He strokes my stoic face to softened touch
Crazy Lord makes a madwoman out of me
His glinting eyes make murti glass all shards
His every move disciplines my every turn
before Him ecstatic He bends my trembling knees
I have been with my Beloved Guru, Heart-Master Da since May of 1972, one month after He officially opened the Ashram in Los Angeles. Since that time I have sat in Darshan with Him hundreds, if not thousands of times.
As was customary of His sitting with devotees in a large group, He would come in, sit with his legs crossed in a lotus or half lotus position and begin to meditate all of us. Most of the time Beloved did not move, except to sometimes gaze over the crowd of devotees, making occasional eye contact with people, and sometimes, during certain meditations with Him, His Body would often spontaneously animate certain hand mudras.
On one of these occasions at The Mountain of Attention Sanctuary in northern California, I happened to be sitting next to a brand new student beginner, there for her first Darshan event. She was an older lady, and I was thrilled to see her excitement at seeing Beloved for the first time.
When Beloved came in and sat down, the room got extremely quiet as it usually did during our time of sitting with Him. On this particular occasion He began animating hand mudras almost immediately. This was the first time I had seen this happen so quickly. As I sat there with my attention on Him, I noticed something about one of the hand mudras He did and thought to myself, that’s odd I don’t remember Him ever doing that. At which point, the new lady student next to me burst into tears, and was weeping uncontrollably.
I could see and feel she was completely touched by the event of her first Darshan and could not wait to talk to her after the occasion to see how she was doing. When Darshan was over, and Beloved had left the building, I went up to her and asked her what she had experienced, to which she promptly replied: “You probably won’t believe it if I tell you.” Laughing at her response I said, “With our Guru, anything is possible, try me.”
She then told me a story which really did blow my mind. She said that when she was a little girl, she would talk to God constantly, bargaining with Him to reveal Himself to her in life. She said that when she was in her twenties, she made a deal with God that if He lived in the world, He should reveal Himself to her by demonstrating a certain hand gesture that only she and God knew about. She had been a seeker for years and had many teachers, and she always looked for them to display the special hand gesture that would prove themselves to be the Incarnate One, but none of them had proven themselves to be genuine.
This was her first sitting with Beloved, and within the first few minutes of the Darshan, He had demonstrated to her the hand gesture she required for proof of the Incarnation of God, at which point her eyes filled with tears of gratitude once again. She then told me how grateful she was for her first Darshan occasion.
For me, over the years, I have looked to see if Beloved has ever done this one particular hand mudra again, and I have never seen Him repeat it in any Darshan I have personally had with Him.
This leela showed me even more that the story from the Hindu Tradition of Krishna and Radha is really true. In the paintings where the Rasa Leela or Round Dance is taking place, Krishna is shown in the center of a circle of female devotees, dancing with one woman, Radha, the chosen one. The other women who are encircling Krishna are blissfully, and jealously pining to be in the center with him, all wanting to be in Radha’s place.
I realized once again that we are all in the center Dancing with Beloved. He Dances with every one of His Devotees Personally and Intimately according to their particular needs. (In some versions there is also a form of Krishna dancing both with Radha in the center, and also with each of the ladies in the larger circle. Adi Da has described this as a way of rightly understanding the Guru-devotee relationship. That we all dance with Him individually, each one of us.)Just as with this new student on this Amazing Darshan Occasion. It just shows me again how our relationship with the Divine Heart-Master is Absolutely Personal and Perfect for each and every one of us now and forever.
Thank you my Beloved Heart-Master Da
In 2010, the night before my birthday, my husband Carl informed me that we would be going to a birthday lunch at a fancy restaurant with family and friends the next day. We don’t eat out that often and so this was a rare treat and I was excited about it. When I went to sleep that night I had a wonderful dream.
I was in a place that resembled a small theater. On the stage was a long platform built the entire length of the stage, with three very large steps leading up to it. Beloved was sitting in His Chair at the top of this platform, and I was sitting at the bottom on the floor below the last step.
There was a sheer black curtain stretched the entire length of the stage between myself and Beloved. The curtain stopped at the top edge of the platform above, so that the stairs were free of the curtain down to where I was sitting. Beloved was sitting facing out to my right side, so all I could see of Him was His profile and the right side of His Body.
It felt as if there were thousands of beings who were behind this sheer curtain with Him, and it felt as if the space behind Him, was Bigger and more Vast than the Universe itself, but not empty, it seemed crowded there in fact.
Beloved appeared very Bright in His Chair, but everything behind Him was black and I couldn’t see anything beyond Him. He was literally outshining everything behind this sheer black curtain and nothing else behind Him was visible although I could sense and feel beings, I could not see them, no matter how hard I tried.
I could sense and feel that He was having an intense non-verbal conversation with them on the other side of this sheer black curtain, and although I kept trying, I just couldn’t penetrate this sheer curtain to see into the blackness beyond, only Beloved remained visible.
I could feel He was addressing everyone on the other side about their practice, as He did with devotees when He was alive, and could feel Him intensifying my own practice as I sat there, even though I could not hear what He was saying nor see those he was communicating to, his communication to me was very clear.
When I got the message, all of a sudden Beloved stopped His address to those on the other side and turned His Head to His right to see me sitting there at the bottom of the platform steps. He got up as if He had been waiting for me, walked to the back of His Chair, grabbed a bucket of water that was just to His right side, came out from behind the sheer black curtain, took one step down the platform steps and dumped the entire bucket of water on my head, saying: “Now you can go to lunch with Carl”.
He then walked back behind the sheer black curtain, behind His Chair, sat down and once again began addressing those on the other side non-verbally.
When I woke up after the dream I felt completely Blessed, realizing I had received the most Wonderful and Personal Darshan Birthday present .
I also realized that the black sheer curtain I had tried so hard to look beyond was in Reality “The Veil of Death.” That is why no matter how hard I tried, I could not penetrate it to view what was on the other side. Only my Beloved Guru could cross into both worlds with the ease and simplicity of pulling back a curtain. Thank You Heart-Master Da
It says in the spiritual Traditions that the Grace of the Guru not only extends to His Devotees, but also extends to the family members of His devotees as well. And that lesson became ever so clear in the case of my mother’s passing.
I was never brought up in a very strict religion, although I was brought up as a Catholic. But, over the adult years of my life I became more interested in the process of life and what it was all about, and I became more of a seeker in finding Truth and Reality, because conventional religion seemed shallow and superficial to me.
At one particular point in my search I did realize that I needed help, I realized that I needed a Spiritual Teacher, and I knew that I was not going to go to India to find one.
In 1983 in one of my periods of intense seeking, I stumbled on a spiritual book store in San Rafael California. In the front window of the book store was an enlarged poster sized photo of Beloved Adi Da. And as I looked at the photo, I was thinking to myself, He looks about the same age as me, so what the hell does He have that I don’t have, in somewhat of an angry cynical manner. This only added to my frustration.
I entered the bookstore and bought a book that was recommended to me to read. At that particular period I was very frustrated and cynical in general in my quest for understanding of what life was about. So I bought the book that was recommended to me, took it home, read half way through it, put it down and felt that it didn’t satisfy my need for answers.
I went back to the book store, browsed around a bit, and saw that on a table there were several books, featuring “The Knee of Listening”. I picked up the book and began to browse through it, going to a section in the back of the book called “The Wisdom of Understanding.” I read maybe two pages and realized that my search was OVER. In just those two pages my questions were answered. I bought the book, took it home and read it, and realized at that time I had found my Spiritual Teacher. Shortly after that I became a devotee of Beloved Adi Da.
And as a new student beginner of His work, there were study courses in the Traditions, and I became more familiar with all of the Wisdom Teachings of both Eastern and Western philosophy. And so throughout the years I would have conversations with my mother regarding the Spiritual Traditions and these different points of view. As my understanding grew, I would convey my understanding to her. Although my mother was somewhat skeptical she listened.
As I grew in my understanding of the difference between the Great Tradition and Beloved’s Teaching, I would also convey this to her, and at one point she began to see and feel the difference, and was somewhat more open in her understanding. Yet still not completely converted.
In 1993, my mother took a turn for the worst after a stroke she suffered two years earlier. My wife and I were by her bedside in the hospital a couple of days before her passing. She would lapse between a semi-conscious and unconscious state, never seeming to fully regain conscious awareness. It was in a moment of being in the semi-conscious state that she, out of the blue, spoke up and said: “Take me to Fiji, Take me to Fiji, He loves us, He loves us. He’s with us all the time.” At that point my wife and I looked at each other with an Absolute look of Astonishment on both our faces and wondered where did that come from. I spent the rest of my time with her until her passing a couple of days later, all the while feeling my Guru’s Presence very strongly, I know He entered the room and was sitting with me.
It wasn’t until some time later, when we were invited to a celebratory occasion with Beloved that the significance of that moment became clarified. Somehow the conversation came up relative to my father. One of the devotees mentioned to Beloved that my father rode with Pancho Villa. Wherein Beloved asked, “What about your father Carl.” I told Him he was a very simple hard working man, and He responded, “Like you Carl.” To which I responded “yes, Lord.” And then again out of nowhere Beloved said: “About your mother Carl, I was with her when she passed.” At that point my heart was completely broken and sobbing I said “Yes, I know You were Lord.”
What I realized was that out of all the conversations I ever had with my mother with regards to religion, she had listened to the point of being able to receive the Gift of Love and Compassion at the end of her life. Beloved’s Grace and Compassion had taken care of her on her death bed, and completely consumed her. Her death seemed to be an easy transition, for which I was completely grateful.
I bow down at the Feet of my Beloved Master Adi Da, who’s Loving Grace fills our hearts with Love.
On day at The Mountain of Attention Sanctuary Beloved called some of us over to His house for a gathering. And I was fortunate to have been invited.
As always whenever you would be invited to the Master’s house for a gathering your heart would race with anticipation and you would be exploding with excitement as to the nature of how the rest of your day would unfold in His Divine Human Company, and of course you were always ecstatic to be going.
And whenever you were invited, you could never be fashionably late. Beloved always expected you to just simply drop whatever you were doing and rush over. But if in the course of doing so, you ended up being improperly dressed you would always hear about it.
So you could never linger in the self indulgence of putting on a little extra make up, or taking extra time in choosing your wardrobe, because if you were late you would hear about it. He would often Bellow out: “Where’s Mulund, or Where’s Aniello?” And you had better be right outside the door waiting to come in, because if He had to send an attendant for you, you would get a consequence, like chugging a beer at the beginning of the gathering or serving other devotees throughout that day’s gathering. Consequences we all tried to avoid.
And so, the bottom line rule of gathering with Him was to simply drop everything, handle all of your worldly business so that He could have your entire attention without distraction, and rush over looking impeccable for the day’s gathering. And more often than not you only had fifteen minutes to a half an hour in which to do all of this. It was a koan we all accepted, and it was always a sadhana, always stressful, and if you were late you’d better have a good excuse.
And there were very few excuses He would accept. You had to make sure any children would be cared for of in terms of babysitting requirements while you were at the gathering and handle any important Ashram business that couldn’t be put on hold. That’s basically it.
At this particular gathering, I had to handle more business than usual and ended up being one of the last people in the door. Beloved would sit on His chair and face us, while we would sit on the floor facing Him, leaving a walking isle down the middle of the room which led to His Chair. Because I had taken so long to wrap things up, and was one of the last people to arrive, I had to take a seat more or less in the back row on the right. But I scored a seat on the aisle and there was no one sitting to my left, and so I ended up getting an unobstructed view of Beloved.
The gathering went on for a couple of hours, after which Beloved called for a break, and so He got up, walked down the center of the aisle and left the room. I didn’t really need to get up at that point and so simply sat there and watched every one else file out of the room behind Him, except for one other devotee to my right who decided to stay in the room as I did.
As I sat there I noticed that down the center of the aisle not to far from Beloved’s chair toward the front of the room, there was a tall glass of water sitting so close to the center of the aisle, that I couldn’t help but think to myself, “the next person who comes back in the room is going to knock that glass of water over and it’s going to spill on carpet.” I was absolutely sure that this was the scenario that was going to take place with this glass of water, without a doubt. I knew this would happen.
My intuition was so strong, that it was like a cramp in my navel, but I did nothing about it. I continued to sit there, with this knowledge gnawing in the pit of my stomach and at the heart region in my chest. It was so overwhelming it became totally annoying and now had captured my full attention. But instead of acting on it, I debated with myself, as to whether I should remove the glass of water or not. I was now going back and forth in my own mind, justifying my feelings by thinking that it was only a strong feeling and didn’t deserve my attention. All the while sitting with this feeling in the pit of my stomach and at the heart region in my chest, gnawing at me like a mouse gnawing on a piece of cheese and wondering if I should get up and remove the water.
At one point I was so sure it was going to happen that I turned to the devotee who was sitting next to me, as we were the only ones in the room at that point and I mentioned the glass of water and how I was sure someone would knock it over. But this person didn’t feel the way I did and so dismissed it and told me not to worry about it, to once again focus my attention on the Master and let it go. But this only fueled my drama further. Now I was truly torn, between simply getting up or sitting still, going back and forth trying to dismiss the feelings I was having. But this glass of water had completely captured my total attention.
About ten minutes went by, and as I was going through this internal drama with this glass of water it began to seem totally ridiculous to me that this glass of water was the only thing I was thinking about and had been for the last ten minutes. My mind simply went back and forth as to whether I should or shouldn’t remove it from its place on the carpet. And so, after all of the drama I made the decision to just leave it where it was.
When I had finally made the decision to do nothing, then a devotee who was sitting near the glass of water headed back to his seat and in doing so accidentally knocked over the glass of water that I had been meditating on for the past ten minutes. It had now spilled on the carpet just as I had been predicting.
By then, Beloved, had re-entered the room and was now watching the entire drama unfold in the way of someone mopping up the water. I of course felt bad, as I could have prevented the accident entirely, but I chose to do nothing. It was at that point that Beloved on His way back to His chair stopped right in front of me and stood in the center aisle looking down at me.
As I looked into His beautiful face, He bent down and slightly cuffed me on the left cheek with his open hand and said: “I have been telling you to move that glass of water for the last ten minutes. Why haven’t you been listening to Me.” And then He sat back in His chair and the gathering continued.
Needless to say I was totally blown away, as was the person sitting on my right who I mentioned the feeling to. By lighting tapping my cheek I realized that He had totally absolved any guilt karma I had created with the water glass and taught me a lesson on how to listen a little deeper.
Thank you Beloved for this Gift.
I’ve been a student of my Beloved Guru Adi Da for over 37 years as I am writing this story.
I wish to relate to you the following true story relative to Heart-Master Adi Da’s Divine Love and Compassion, which truly Transcends time and space.
I was at a gathering with Heart-Master Adi Da, where He was giving a discourse to a number of students, speaking to us about our disciplines and daily spiritual practices.
I was sitting not too far from my Beloved Guru among about 25 or 30 other students and there was a brief break in the conversation. Someone mentioned to Heart-Master Da that a famous person had died that day and He asked how it happened. To make a long story short the conversation drifted from the intensity to which we should be practicing to how some famous people in the past had died.
We began amusingly swapping terrible death stories. My Beloved Guru then mentioned hearing how Mamma Cass had died. He said He had heard that she choked to death in a restaurant eating a ham sandwich. He then said, “Of course when she died, they didn’t have the Heimlich Maneuver back in those days, as they did today”. It was at that point He looked directly at me. I thought it rather odd that He would single me out of a crowd of so many people, but dismissed it almost immediately. (The Heimlich Maneuver has been a proven life-saving method for people who are choking.)
As the evening wore on, my attention was sort of drifting and I was getting sleepy when the conversation again came around to death and how some people die by choking. Again my Beloved Guru turned in my direction, looked directly in my eyes and said, “You do know what the Heimlich Maneuver is don’t you.” I turned around to see if He was looking at the person behind me. And He yelled out, “That’s right, I’m looking at you.”
Surprised by His direct attention, and unmistakable address, I answered “Yes I do.” I thought to myself, perhaps He could feel me getting sleepy again and wanted me to be more alert for the conversation by addressing me personally.
Then He simply went on with the conversation and did not address me further the rest of the evening. As I sat there I didn’t think anything more of it, except to notice that my attention was once again restored and I was fully awake till the end of the evening. I felt He was just trying to help me stay awake.
A few days later we were in another discourse again with many other students present. This time I was sitting right in front of my Guru, and again the conversation came around to death by way of suffocation. Heart-Master Da mentioned to us that He was almost strangled at birth, by the umbilical cord which was wrapped around His neck.
Once again, in the midst of a crowd of students, He then turned to me and asked me directly, looking deep into my eyes, if I knew how to do the Heimlich Maneuver.
Naturally I thought, this was a test to see if I was paying attention, and thinking proudly to myself that I had passed the test, I answered loudly “yes.”
About a week later a few of us were on the lawn surrounding Heart-Master Da. It was a beautiful but warm day, and someone was showing Him some new plants that had arrived for the garden area. Heart-Master Da mentioned something about the weeds choking out some of the plants in the garden, and again the conversation turned to the subject of death by choking.
I was standing next to Him, when He said, “Well there is the Heimlich Maneuver. Do you all know what that is and how to apply it?” Before we could even answer, suddenly my Beloved Guru stands behind me and puts His arms around me and places His fists in a position underneath my rib-cage and demonstrates exactly how to do the Heimlich Maneuver.
At first I thought this rather odd, but dismissed it as just a coincidence that I just happened to be one of the people standing next to Him, and I felt honored that I could be the subject of His demonstration. But then I thought no more about the incident.
A few days later, two other ladies and I were in the kitchen cooking lunch for the resident children. It was a hot day and we had already placed the silverware, napkins, condiments and ice water on the table.
Because we were busy attending to matters in the kitchen none of us were paying much attention to one of the children who came in ahead of the others and sat down to sample some of the items on the lunch table.
All of a sudden I heard a strange sound coming from the dining room table. It was some kind of unusual gurgling noise. I turn to see what was happening and to my horror I saw my daughter and she appeared to be in great distress. She was holding her hands to her throat, trying to say something, but no words were coming out. Tears were streaming out of her eyes and there was a look of terror on her face.
Instantly I realized that she was choking on something.
While everyone else was frozen in fear, within a heart beat, I immediately flew into action. I wheeled her around, placed my hands under her rib cage just as My Beloved Guru had done with me on the lawn a few days earlier and began to engage the Heimlich Maneuver. Within a few strokes of pressure, out popped an ice cube, which literally flew across the room.
When it was all over I simply sat in awe with my daughter folded in my arms weeping and thanking my Beloved Heart-Master Adi Da for His Incredible Blessing Gift of her life.
It was an Extraordinary Lesson, one of Great Love and Great Compassion. And a demonstration of That One who utterly Transcends time and space, and all egoity.
I have thought over and over again what might have happened had my lesson not been so personal. Or had He not driven that lesson into my very body that day on the lawn. I should have known that His Divine Attention to me or any one else personally is never a casual matter.
It is very unusual for my Guru to physically touch His students. Our life with Him is very formal. And the events leading up to this Remarkable Blessing have truly opened my eyes to the Power and Mystery of my Beloved Guru, Heart-Master Adi Da Samraj, who constantly shows me His Divine Nature is that of One Who always already Transcends Everything.
I am so very Grateful for the Bodily Human Form of my Beloved Heart-Master Adi Da Samara and His Divine Intervention in my life and the life of my daughter.
Thank You my Beloved Heart-Master Adi Da Samaraj.
On a more practical note, never let small children eat ice.